FEAR-BASED APOLOGISING

 

Fear-Based Apologising:

For me, a recognising of how fear changes the motivation of an apology

I grew up apologising for things I didn't do and for things I was ignorant about (abuse survival).

So, when it comes to actually apologising now, it feels confusing and difficult—for how do I know (how can I trust myself that) it's genuine (not a fawn).

As a extremely sensitive child (also now confirming with my ADHD and ASD), the core-damaging impact this had on me was and is severe!

Not only was this damage done directly through my dad to me; but also me witnessing it by my dad as done to my brothers, my mom, my family, and as a teacher to learners and as a "youth pastor" to other children.

By which the church (religion) also created and preached a "God" that does the same to me and to everyone else.

Thus, apologies (and the need to apologise / seek forgiveness) always came from a space of self-fear (survival), not of compassion for the other person or for myself.

Nor did I get nurtured on what apologising is, as it was not healthily demonstrated to me. 

These fear-based apologies were from a space of avoiding vile punishment and abandonment—whether by my dad, the system, or God (religion).

And this fear creates coping-mechanisms that, unintentionally / unconsciously become "control"—not that we specifically want to manipulate, but that is the survival response to lessen what is something / someone being harmful to us—unpurposefully becoming apologies as control (perceived / felt as manipulation)—doing so, even to safe people.

My dad, the systems around me, and God were never wholly felt as safe. So, how could I trust even that my apology was "good enough", or "accurate", or "genuine", or "sincere", or "believable", or "worth it".

How can I be sincere in my apology when the wrong is still being punished for? And why even then bother apologising when I am going to be beaten, made to feel a fool, and abandoned anyway.

There was no gentle guidance, no intimate nurturing, no instruction, no space for a curious ASD boy wanting to just genuinely understand, no healthy external demonstration of what to do / not do when it came to the things I was being physically / emotionally / mentally / soul-crushingly beaten for.

NO FUCKING SAFETY!

My dad even turned it around "onto me" one time, when I was in trouble—again crying in emotional agony long before I got to the bedroom to be beaten—where, instead of him beating me with the belt, he said to me that "he must be a bad papa that I do wrong" and made me beat him with the belt for him doing wrong in not being a good father! Me crying still, now with different tears and unconscionably-new wounds in me for being blamed that he was a bad father!

THAT'S AS FUCKED-UP AS YOU KNOW IT TO BE FOR A CHILD!

All this emotional torture and mental gymnastics trained in me, was an "apologising", not from sincerity, but survival—which is why I now often doubt myself... "am I apologising sincerely, or is this just me trying to avoid the punishment?" Which is really asking, "is this person safe?"

How many times was I crying before I even got to the bedroom where my dad beat me with his belt—without knowing I even had done something wrong. Without talk on "why was this done" or "where / what space it came from" or "what is this a cry-out for" (which itself was just often both an external reflection of the abuse I was carrying inside of me; while then also trying to navigate / circumvent his own abuse and managing his emotions for him).

A dad (a parent) is supposed to be safe!

And through his demonstration of unsafe, so was I taught this about how God is also (condoning and justifying the abuse of my dad and God himself).

How many times did I not want to fail God (survival) as well? How would I want to be close to "God the Father" when He is just like my dad (and a "God" preached that way to me)—to strike me down, to bring destruction in my life, to restrict blessings, to try and test me with abuse...

To say you (dad / God) "love me" when your actions and words don't align with Love.

And then get to a point of being so fed-up (disappointed) with me, you just throw up your hands ("I'm done with you"), give up (as it's all my fault regardless), and just send me to Hell anyways.

This is my deconstruction, this is my learning, this is me knowing I have an actual Safe Father God as He does demonstrate that which actually aligns with Love—not what I was religiously "taught" love was, but what that Child in me organically and instinctively know what Love is: a Love that I was Created in and with.

So, how and what are apologies like in safety?

Exactly! This is where I am—where it's become a journey of learning, finding, accepting, and holding the space where apologies aren't about fear, but about Love: for self, the other person, and the connection.

Acknowledging the wounds the other person feels (alongside your own emotions)—even when the hurt was done in ignorance.

Recognising the wounds I have in me that create filters and hinderances in how I feel, act, respond, and understand what is apologising (and even forgiveness).

About learning anew (reparenting) what apologising is in Safety and Love—removing the fear—whether giving an apology, or receiving an apology; and how I perceive that apology out to others and in towards me.

Questioning:

• Am I Safety and Love for others to apologise to?
• Is there Safety and Love from the others in my apology to them?
• Where am I in Safety and Love in apologies to myself?

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But then, too: what are apologies in Love without safety?

Where I know the Love that is to apologise, even when it cannot be received in safety or acceptance.

The understanding of Love that is letting them be who / where / when / how / what-if they are, while holding space for myself (being a feeling of extreme vulnerability) to give the apology.

That their unsafety is a reflection of their space and reality—even if what I did (deserving of an apology) is what contributed to their space and reality.

Thus, in a sense, for me, giving their response / acceptance of it to the Lord to work through--both for me and for them.

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But importantly: removing any underlying "belief" or "motivation" that "in apologising", it somehow takes away the harm caused, and my responsibility of it / from it / and in the follow-through of it for change or repair.

So much detrimentally-programmed shame and guilt resides within me from my childhood (that Childhood/Complex-PTSD), that it is (feels) near-impossible to have to sit within having injured / wounded someone else.

I wasn't nurtured the healthy coping-mechanisms of sitting in discomfort.

Again, responsibility was not part of what my dad demonstrated to me (let alone first apologising). Instead, it was being taught to Fawn under their / his wrongs.

And thus, fawning became the "forgiveness" where I did not value myself or hold others to their responsibility—compounding on the soul-crushing of self and self-worth; and adding to the unhealthy perfectionisms placed in me.

Further skewing and corrupting what apologising and forgiveness is truly about.

Now learning to sit in discomfort of my mistakes; learning to repair and what repair looks like; learning to accept disappointment of self and others; pushing into the fear-resistance that is against apologising; allowing myself to feel the genuine sorrows (for them); taking responsibility (even in knowing the why's of what I did - without it excusing / dismissing what I did).

Nor dismissing ("spiritually-bypassing") the harm I feel when someone wrongs me.

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So much for me is the breaking-off of what has kept me captive (which placed me in captivity / this stronghold) that has limited me (limited Love).

This learning (relearning) is brutal, hard, unwanted, defeating, and "too much"...

... but Overcoming, I Am!

And is in two-ways for me: not only about my apologising, but also about how I receive apologies—not negating for them the harm I have caused; and not negating the harm they have caused me.

Where there becomes an aligning (without fear / control) of just Love!