Purpose
The Starting-Point for
cBadenhorst - Missions:
The desire I have through cBadenhorst - Missions is to share my life-journey as I myself learn and grow and change.
That in doing so, you may be helped through your own life-journey.
My belief in the Lord helps me in this journey—as I do accept His desire to want me to break free from my own strongholds.
On these pages in through the blogs (as well as on Facebook and Instagram), I share both my Relationship with the Father, but also the ways in which He has helped guide me and shape my understanding of Him and of my life itself.
I cannot separate my existence from the Lord, nor my missions here from Him. We were designed in His Likeness and bear that sameness in the now (even though having been corrupted through Adam).
And that, even though we each have our own unique struggles that stem from our upbringing and this world, we can create a better (freer) life for ourselves from ourselves and the world around us.
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To feel emotional hurts and pains is to have the heart of God.
What is your discovery and healing journey in and from trauma?
I'm sharing here from my own trauma journey in life (from the womb to the everyday).
Because (as a child) I was unable to process the emotional pains (hurts) from childhood, these survival traits manifested as a means to protect me:
I tried to be perfect to avoid the pains from others or myself. Perfectionism.
Pains still came.
I tried to hide to avoid the pain. Isolation and emotional detachment.
Pains still came.
I tried to close off to avoid the pains. Hardening my heart.
Pains still came.
I tried to eliminate emotions. Numbing myself.
Pains still came.
I tried to adapt to everyone else to avoid the pain. People pleasing.
Pains still came.
I tried to control the world around me to avoid the pain. Manipulation.
Pains still came.
Now, I'm at the end of myself with even more pain. Trauma.
The pains still come.
Pains will always come.
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What is my learning?
That, yes, pains will always exist.
I cannot avoid pain. I have to embrace them. And push into the Lord to persevere through them.
And too, in my programmed methods of trying to avoid pains, I in turn caused pain in others.
This is the reality of all of us in this earthly life... acting and reacting in our own ways from and because of our own traumas (our own imperfect upbringings).
The Lord showed me years ago (2015) what I was unintentionally (as a stronghold) doing to avoid pains that created more pains.
At that time, also giving me the insight that even Jesus (perfect in everything) wasn't able to avoid the pains—Him being emotionally hurt daily.
So, to persevere, He pushed into the Lord (His Father) in prayer and supplication—even through the whole night isolated. This is all He knew to do and could do to overcome.
"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."
This was Jesus letting go of holding the emotional pain He felt (literally on the cross at that moment).
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Imprisoned in Survival:
Each of us are causes of the pains we inflict on ourself and others. Yet, we do not always understand the why's of why we do the things we do—nor the why's to the pains others do to us.
We each have our own way of surviving in this life. Each of us developing our own strongholds along the way to protect us from what we don't understand or are trying to avoid.
But, although that stronghold was meant to protect, it becomes a prison in our life. We become trapped in the fortress, developing a comfort in.
But that fortress needs to be torn down. And the Lord is there for us to do so; leading us to people, placed ,and things that will help us obtain a freedom. His Freedom.
He always both leads us to greener pastures, and becomes our new protector.
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Exposing the Deception
Sometimes, because we don’t know that the psycho-socio-emotional realm we live in is our own dungeon; we have nothing to compare it to regarding what freedom looks like.
There can be much difficulty in recognising it, facing it, and destroying it. We often have enmeshed so much trust and false comfort in it, that anything else seems scary.
And what is scary (the unknown) to flesh, creates in us an anxiety that pushes us back into that stronghold.
I (we) tend to only like 'doing' when it feels "natural" to do. Thus, the anxiety we feel, interprets the removing of the stronghold as wrong. And if it feels wrong, then we believe that it mustn't be done. And we retreat back into our fortress.
But situations, circumstances, opportunities, and the Lord's guidance tries to get us free from our own strongholds.
I have to push through the anxiety to break off that stronghold which binds me. It is extremely uncomfortable to my mind, body, heart, and soul to sit in the anxiety and be ok with it, with the knowing hope that it will have to break.
And when it does break is when I am free of my stronghold.
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Legal Jail Break!
For each stronghold that has held me captive that I break out from, a new way of life begins. I get to learn what that freedom is to be outside those walls. Trusting God for my strength and protection in any pains that come; embracing the vulnerability, and resisting any urges to rebuild that former penitentiary.
To say this is easy, would be me lying to myself. But it's only "not easy" because it is new and I'm not yet trained or found comfort in that freedom.
There can be a learning curve to just Be in the new.
The "old man" and "New Man" are always at ends with each other. I feel this conflict. I don't want this conflict. But that conflict between the two will always (always) exist.
Break FREE Chris. This is God's desire for me, for you, and for everyone.
We were created to be free. Let's get back to that freedom we're were designed to have. How ever long that takes. And whatever journey one makes to get there.
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Many fortresses. Many walls:
Just as I have not always known my strongholds, I may not always see how, when, or where the Lord removes them.
Sometimes, I notice it years later.
Sometimes, when it's happening.
Sometimes, beforehand.
Looking back and into the now, here are some freedoms:
Freedom from religion. Horrible religious teachings and dogma brutalised me. It compounded the already existing childhood traumas already developed in me. But at about 38 years old, I heard and learned and embraced the Grace message that was the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. With it came freedom from believing God was wrath with me (no more judgement)! And no more a distant God I could never please. New flavours of the Lord are still being presented to me to "taste and see" how Good the Lord is to me.
At about 40 years old, I began to face and talk through my childhood. And began a healing process to uncover what impact that had on my life. One of the first things was learning what I went through was traumatic (that how my being interpreted them as traumatic). But also seeing how walled-off I was. It was them I first learned about emotions. I had closed off for so long, I never developed them (words and explanations for them).
For 6 years I dug into my past to understand it, give meaning to it, and healing the hurts from it.
Then, in 2020, to have a term given to what I went through: C-PTSD. This directed more of my healing process in therapy, setting the stage, 18 months into it, for me to address the symptoms of C-PTSD that were evident in my life (my behaviours).
I still am delving into all these patterns of behaviour I didn't realise I was doing.
Looking back and into the now, here are some freedoms:
Freedom from religion. Horrible religious teachings and dogma brutalised me. It compounded the already existing childhood traumas already developed in me. But at about 38 years old, I heard and learned and embraced the Grace message that was the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. With it came freedom from believing God was wrath with me (no more judgement)! And no more a distant God I could never please. New flavours of the Lord are still being presented to me to "taste and see" how Good the Lord is to me.
At about 40 years old, I began to face and talk through my childhood. And began a healing process to uncover what impact that had on my life. One of the first things was learning what I went through was traumatic (that how my being interpreted them as traumatic). But also seeing how walled-off I was. It was them I first learned about emotions. I had closed off for so long, I never developed them (words and explanations for them).
For 6 years I dug into my past to understand it, give meaning to it, and healing the hurts from it.
Then, in 2020, to have a term given to what I went through: C-PTSD. This directed more of my healing process in therapy, setting the stage, 18 months into it, for me to address the symptoms of C-PTSD that were evident in my life (my behaviours).
I still am delving into all these patterns of behaviour I didn't realise I was doing.
So not only was I becoming knowledgeable about how I survived by building fortresses of protection, I could now begin to see how those then-built strongholds affected my own life and relationships in the now (as an adult).
Not easy at all to see from the outside.
But as I have embraced healing (a very painful and uncomfortable process), I become a better person for myself and for others.
And be able to embrace the pains of this world. It's ok that pain exists—we were not designed to experience it—hence why we so naturally want to avoid it!
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But we have the ability to persevere through it;
for to feel emotional hurts and pains is to have the heart of God!
