Suicide Awareness & Prevention

For the many of us that have those thoughts, feelings, and desires show up; we can be aware of how they can chip away at the resistance.

We play out the countless scenarios of how to do it and the "best way to do it". Our attitudes, pain, and anger playing a role in the how.

It's still a cry for help (regardless if coming from anger, depression, guilt, shame, trauma-wounds, physical wounds, war, divorce, loss, abuse, disease, physical or mental pain). We may even have a co-dependence or victim-mindset that just wants someone to come in and "save" us from what we are feeling inside and out; and what our surroundings are compounding on it.

The constant triggering of people, places, things, sounds, smells, and more that bombard us in remembrance of what we are wanting to be set free from. Even the idea of what was, what could have been, and now is not.

Our "nature" is to survive; but that survival can come at a cost—one which can wear-away at our continued want to live. Because, so much surviving is less so about thriving.

And, as such, the resistance to suicide can be subtly worn away through fantasy, nihilism, detachment (mentally and physically), and the false belief that it is somehow "for the better".

For many, the ideation can look like:
  1. Internet research on the different ways to do it.
  2. Mentally writing out all the notes to the people for afterwards. "Creating" those notes and letters for some people now, some for the children when they get older.
  3. Organising a music playlist for people to listen to—a musical journal of emotions.
  4. Saved shopping lists of items to get.
  5. Exploring the location and what the after-scene is like: Trying to not make a mess from it (the carer attitude) / Making a mess (the fuck-you attitude).
  6. Making sure insurance will cover it for family to be financially taken care of.
  7. Leaving behind all the passwords for people to have to access/cancel accounts.
  8. Do I rather make it look like an accident?
  9. What if they never find my body and I've just disappeared—is that worse for the people to always wonder and wait? What if I pretend to disappear for a while, will anyone actually miss me?

The ideation can also start manifesting in literal actions to break down the resistance. In the now, there may not have the "courage" to do it, but the intrusive thoughts can want to break down those resistance barriers. These destructive thoughts (not one's own thoughts) come in this form:
  1. What does the bag feel like over your head, "give it a try" says the thought.
  2. "Why don't you take each pill out of their individual cells", says the thoughts.
  3. "The gun is not loaded, what does it feel like in your hand", as the thought continues, "...and under your chin and against your temple." "You used to do the 'gun thing' with your thumb and forefinger, but now it's a real one".
  4. "How far can you lean over that highrise balcony?", says the thoughts. "Jump", says the feeling with too much ease.

Sometimes, it's more than playing out the scenarios in your imagination for yourself, but also for the reactions of the people you know (or even don't know).

"Maybe NOW, they will understand me!" (after I'm gone).
  • Q: "Why didn't she/he talk to us about how they were doing?" they will cry and wonder.
  • A: because I am an introvert—one that was never nurtured into being understood, seen, or heard—and that trapped me into being able to just be me. Because, everytime I tried to be me, it was too different and confusing to everyone—which only made me hurt more. And the more I hurt, the more introverted I became. How can I reach out if everything that is me keeps me from reaching out?

Each person's upbringing (from in the womb to their now) shapes and defines them. Both their nature (DNA) and their nurture (or lack thereof).

This process, this overthinking, the long-term bombardment, or the spontaneity of it, stems from who that person is on the unseen inside.

An extrovert may follow a different ideation than an introvert. And the endless, countless, moment that played (not specifically on their outside) but on their insides.

But there are ways to build back that resistance to suicide:
  1. The reminder that it is permanent (for you and for them)--it can never be undone. That this final call for help can never be responded to for you. Maybe part of you wanted someone to recognise you more (and the pain you are in), but there will be no self-validation if that makes them aware. And now, you add the burden of suicide on them.
  2. Your life, as alive, may be the reason another is still alive (even if you may not see it or be recognised for it).
  3. Each problem we face are temporary (even if they last a lifetime).
  4. Your testimony of overcoming matters to someone else facing the same thing. How precious it is to build someone else up.
  5. You are built-up too from the testimonies of other's who have faced the same.
  6. And more people face these thoughts and feeling more than is ever admitted to. Here you are breaking the shame, guilt, and stigma of it.
  7. It's NOT a sin to have these thoughts and feelings (Jesus was tempted to do it). And don't believe the lie of "you just need more faith" (that's not a correct use of the term faith).
  8. All strongholds are meant to be broken, and they can. We can even do it together!
  9. We can surround ourselves with the support we need, knowing too, that your saviour is the one that does exist inside of you when we give her/him the courage and opportunity.
  10. Journaling (which this blog is also a form of) can put down those thoughts and feelings onto a "page" that can help turn off the ruminations.
I have such empathy for each person that faces this (including for myself).

And to be able to share about something so impactful is a blessing to me.

You may have faced this yourself, been impacted by someone else's suicide (or attempts), or may be completely unaware of what goes on inside one's being about this matter.

Whether a fleeting thought/feeling, or one that is a lifetime battle, it is something we can overcome.

That you are still alive reading this demonstrates you ARE an overcomer!

Keep overcoming!

For me personally, I am an introvert that has never felt belonged (fit into) this reality—whether because it is that I am an INFJ, or because of something else.

So, part of me overcoming the introversion is sharing about me through my personal life journey (mentally, emotionally, and spiritually).

The Lord told me almost 10 years ago now: Vulnerability = Confidence.

I am still learning what that really means as I do choose to be vulnerable in my expressing of self (with all my fears, doubts, beliefs, and values).

I still get hurt. But that journey of accepting hurt (instead of running / hiding / avoiding it) is what is also making me stronger.

For the more I hurt, the more I love.

This is me being as Jesus was.
And me being me.

If you are struggling with suicidal thought, recovering from an attempt, or have been a survivor of someone else's... there is support for you:
  • Friend.
  • Family.
  • Stranger.
  • The Bartender.
  • The Gun Store Owner.
  • The Person Next to You Right Now.
  • Your Co-Worker.
  • Your Boss.
  • Your Employee.
  • The Window-Washer.
  • The Nurse.
  • The Doctor.
  • The Patient.
  • Your Wife.
  • Your Husband.
  • Your Child.
  • Your Shipmate.
  • Online Forum.
  • Phone Call.
  • SMS.
  • WhatsApp.
  • Emails.

(Theirs aren't to you if the role was reversed).

These "I'll only be a burden" or "I am not worthy enough" thoughts are just a devaluing of self that is also part of the ideation.

So reach out to anyone"help" is not a dirty or shameful word.

Here's some links / contacts:

*** Disclaimer: not all numbers or links can be verified or tested as accurate. This list only provides helpful resources as found available online. I am not a medical practitioner, nor psychologist, nor psychiatrist, nor therapist, nor counselloras such, I am only sharing my own personal experiences and journey. ***

Please leave a comment for any Suicide Hotline numbers / links for other countries; or for corrections to the ones listed above.


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